Doing Different Podcast

Maya was halfway through folding laundry when her phone buzzed. It was a text from her mom, short and sharp, asking why Maya had not called back the night before. Maya stared at the screen, thumb hovering, heart already speeding up. She had been in bed by nine, exhausted after a week of deadlines and a doctor appointment she had been putting off. She had seen the missed call and thought, I will call tomorrow. Now her mind filled in the rest of the story without permission, She is disappointed. I am a bad daughter. I should have been available. I should have tried harder.

Within minutes, Maya was doing what she always did when that feeling arrived. She started negotiating with herself. She would cancel her Saturday plans and drive across town. She would bring groceries. She would apologize in a way that sounded convincing, not defensive. She would make sure her mom felt cared for, even if it meant Maya did not feel cared for.

Then something different happened. Maya’s partner, Jonah, walked past and saw her face. He did not ask what was wrong right away. He simply said, “You look like you are bracing for impact.” That sentence stopped her. Bracing for impact. That was exactly it. Maya realized she was reacting as if she had done something morally wrong, not as if she had missed a call.

Maya put the phone down and took a breath. She tried a question she had been practicing in therapy, “Is this guilt about my values, or is it about someone else’s expectations?”

That question is the doorway into the difference between false guilt and true conviction. At Doing Different, we talk often about the moment when you notice you are bracing, over explaining, or over compensating. Those are not just stress reactions. They can be signs that guilt is running the show, and not all guilt is created equal.

Why this distinction matters

Guilt can be helpful. It can guide you back to integrity, repair, and responsibility. It can keep relationships healthy by prompting you to acknowledge harm, make amends, and grow. But guilt can also be hijacked. It can be used to control, to silence, to keep you in roles that no longer fit, and to punish you for having needs.

False guilt tells you that you are wrong for having boundaries, preferences, limits, or a life that does not revolve around someone else. True conviction tells you that you violated your own values, and it invites you to make it right without self destruction.

When you learn to discern the two, you stop apologizing for existing. You also stop dismissing the real places where you do need to repair. Discernment leads to healing. Healing makes boundaries possible. Boundaries create room for relationships that are chosen, not coerced.

Definitions, what false guilt and true conviction are

False guilt is the uncomfortable feeling that you did something wrong when you did not violate your values or harm someone in a meaningful way. It often appears when you disappoint someone, say no, prioritize yourself, or refuse to meet an unreasonable demand. False guilt is frequently connected to conditioning, fear of rejection, trauma responses, or family systems where love was linked to compliance.

True conviction is the steady, clarifying awareness that you acted out of alignment with your values. It can involve guilt, but it is usually specific and proportionate to the situation. It points to a repairable action, not a defective identity. True conviction usually includes a desire to learn, apologize, make amends, and do better next time.

Some people prefer the word “healthy guilt” instead of “true conviction,” especially if “conviction” feels spiritual or heavy. Use the language that fits you. The key is that true conviction aligns with reality, values, and repair. False guilt aligns with fear, conditioning, and control.

How false guilt is formed

False guilt does not appear out of nowhere. It is often trained into us, sometimes subtly, sometimes explicitly.

Common roots of false guilt

• Conditional approval: You were praised for being easy, helpful, high-achieving, or emotionally low maintenance, and criticized when you had needs.
• Parentification: You were placed in an adult role early, managing a parent’s emotions, conflict, or responsibilities.
• Enmeshment: Your family blurred boundaries, treating your choices as group property, not personal agency.
• Religious or cultural overreach: Teachings that emphasize obedience and self-sacrifice as a tool to make one feel guilty so they can control them, rather than as true teachings that lead one to feel loved and cared about with compassion to do what is right. This type of control comes without balancing dignity, consent, or personal responsibility.
• Trauma responses: Fawning and appeasing became survival strategies, so “keeping the peace” feels like morality.
• Codependent patterns: You learned to monitor others’ moods as a way to feel safe, and you mistake their discomfort for your wrongdoing.
• Manipulation: Someone repeatedly used guilt to get compliance, using phrases like “After all I have done for you,” or “If you loved me you would.”

False guilt thrives when you feel responsible for outcomes you cannot control, especially other people’s feelings, reactions, and life choices.

How true conviction is formed

True conviction develops when you have a clear internal moral compass. That compass can come from faith, philosophy, therapy, personal reflection, community accountability, or lived experience. It is not about being perfect. It is about being honest.

True conviction tends to show up after something concrete, like you lied, broke an agreement, spoke cruelly, neglected a responsibility you agreed to, or caused harm through carelessness. It can also show up when you realize you benefited from a system that harms others and you want to act more responsibly going forward. True conviction is not self hatred. It is the push toward alignment.

False guilt vs true conviction, how they feel in the body

Many people try to think their way out of guilt. The body can provide faster data, because false guilt and true conviction tend to have different “textures.” Not always, but often.

False guilt often feels like

• A sudden drop in the stomach, dread, or panic.
• Compulsion to fix immediately, even if you do not know what you did.
• Racing thoughts and rehearsed explanations.
• Fear of abandonment, punishment, or being seen as selfish.
• A vague sense of being “bad” rather than a clear action to repair.

True conviction often feels like

• Sadness or regret with clarity.
• A focused awareness of what you did and why it matters.
• Grief for the impact, paired with agency to repair.
• A desire to be honest, even if it is uncomfortable.
• Energy that moves you toward a specific next step, not frantic self punishment.

False guilt is frequently urgent and global, “I am terrible.” True conviction is usually specific and actionable, “I did this, it hurt someone, I can repair and learn.”

A practical discernment checklist

If you are not sure which one you are experiencing, walk through these questions slowly. Write them down if you can.

• What exactly did I do? Name the behavior in one sentence, without insults toward yourself.
• What value might I have violated? Examples include honesty, kindness, reliability, consent, fairness, respect.
• Did someone experience real harm, or only disappointment? Disappointment is allowed. Harm is different.
• Was the expectation reasonable and mutually agreed on? Or was it unspoken, shifting, or impossible?
• Am I taking responsibility for someone’s emotions? Their feelings are real, but not always your fault to fix.
• Would I judge a friend harshly for doing the same thing? This reveals double standards and conditioning.
• What repair is proportionate? True conviction leads to proportionate repair, not life rearrangement.
• What am I afraid will happen if I do not comply? Fear of backlash often signals false guilt.

When you answer these questions honestly, the guilt usually “sorts” itself.

Examples that clarify the difference

Sometimes the easiest way to learn discernment is through everyday scenarios.

Scenario 1, you say no to a request

You cannot babysit your sibling’s kids this weekend. Your sibling is upset and says, “I guess I will do it all alone like always.” If you feel crushing guilt, ask, did I agree to be the default childcare provider? Did I cause harm, or did I set a limit? If you are simply unavailable, this is likely false guilt. A boundaried response might include empathy without compliance.

Scenario 2, you forget something important

You promised to pick up a prescription for your partner and you forgot. They had a hard day because of it. You feel regret and want to fix it. That is likely true conviction. The repair is specific, apologize, pick it up, consider a reminder system, and do better. You do not need to conclude you are unlovable.

Scenario 3, you speak harshly in conflict

You were stressed and snapped at a coworker in a meeting. You feel a steady discomfort that does not go away by rationalizing. You can name the behavior and its impact. That is true conviction. Repair might be a sincere apology and a commitment to address stress differently.

Scenario 4, you choose yourself

You decide to rest instead of attending a family event. No one is harmed, but someone is displeased. If you feel like you are betraying the family, that may be false guilt rooted in enmeshment or role expectations.

Scenario 5, you violate a boundary

A friend told you something in confidence, and you shared it. Now trust is damaged. True conviction would push you to own it without excuses and accept that rebuilding trust takes time.

The hidden fuel, shame

False guilt is often partnered with shame. Guilt says, “I did something wrong.” Shame says, “I am wrong.” Shame makes you focus on self-protection, image management, and overcompliance. It makes repair harder because shame wants to hide, deny, or punish.

True conviction can include shame feelings, especially if you grew up in harsh environments. But at its healthiest, true conviction stays behavior focused and forward moving. The goal is not to eradicate all guilt. The goal is to separate guilt from shame, and to separate false guilt from true conviction.

How to heal false guilt, step by step

Healing false guilt is not about convincing yourself that you never do anything wrong. It is about retraining your nervous system and your beliefs so that you can tolerate being disliked, misunderstood, or disappointing to someone without collapsing into self-blame.

1) Name the pattern out loud

When the feeling hits, try saying, “This feels like guilt, but it might be false guilt.” Naming creates distance. Distance creates choice.

2) Track your triggers

For two weeks, note when guilt spikes. Look for patterns such as certain people, certain types of requests, conflict, rest, spending money, or asking for help. False guilt is predictable. Once you see the map, you can prepare.

3) Identify the rule behind the guilt

False guilt often comes from an internalized rule. Examples include:

• “I am responsible for keeping everyone happy.”
• “If someone is upset, I must have done something wrong.”
• “Saying no makes me selfish.”
• “Rest is earned only after I have done enough.”

Write the rule down. Then ask, who taught me this? When did it keep me safe? Does it still serve me now?

4) Practice reality-based self-talk

Avoid forced positivity. Use grounded statements like:

• “Disappointment is not an emergency.”
• “Their feelings matter, and my limits matter too.”
• “I can be kind without rescuing.”
• “I am allowed to choose.”

5) Build tolerance for discomfort

False guilt is like an alarm system that misfires. You retrain it by not obeying it every time. Start small. Say no to a low-stakes request. Do not overexplain. Let the discomfort rise and fall. Your body learns, “I can survive this.”

6) Grieve what guilt replaced

For many people, false guilt is the price they paid for belonging. If you stop paying that price, you may feel grief. You may realize you did not receive unconditional support. Let that grief be real. Healing often includes mourning the roles you were forced into.

7) Seek corrective relationships

False guilt heals in relationships where boundaries are respected. This can be therapy, support groups, friendships, or partners who do not punish you for limits. Over time, respectful relationships recalibrate your sense of normal.

How to respond to true conviction without spiraling

If you grew up with harsh criticism, even true conviction can lead to collapse. The goal is accountability with compassion.

Use the three-part repair process

• Acknowledge: Name what you did, without minimizing or defending.
• Validate impact: Show you understand how it affected the other person.
• Repair and plan: Offer amends and a realistic plan to reduce repeats.

Example: “I promised I would call and I did not. I can see how that made you feel unimportant. I am sorry. I am setting a reminder, and I will call tonight at seven.”

What to avoid when you feel true conviction

• Over apologizing to manage your anxiety.
• Turning the conversation into your shame story.
• Demanding immediate reassurance or forgiveness.
• Making dramatic promises you cannot keep.

True conviction is resolved through consistent changed behavior, not emotional intensity.

Boundaries, the bridge between discernment and freedom

Once you can tell false guilt from true conviction, boundaries become clearer. Boundaries are not punishments. They are the conditions required for you to stay aligned with your values and wellbeing.

A boundary answers questions like:

• What am I available for?
• What am I not available for?
• What will I do if the limit is not respected?

Notice that the last one is about your behavior, not controlling someone else. A boundary is not, “You must stop calling me.” A boundary is, “If you call after nine, I will return the call the next day.”

How false guilt sabotages boundaries

False guilt makes you believe you need permission to have limits. It makes you overexplain, bargain, or cave when someone reacts poorly. It tells you that someone else’s discomfort is proof you are doing something wrong.

When you expect false guilt, you can plan for it. You can set boundaries while anticipating discomfort, and still follow through.

How to set boundaries without aggression or apology

Boundary setting is a skill, not a personality trait. Many people swing between compliance and explosion because they never learned the middle ground. Try these practical tools.

1) Use short, clear language

• “I cannot make it this weekend.”
• “I am not available for that.”
• “I can talk for ten minutes.”
• “I will think about it and get back to you.”

Short sentences reduce the openings for debate.

2) Avoid courtroom energy

When you present ten reasons, you invite the other person to argue with each reason. You do not need a perfect case to have a limit. You need honesty.

3) Pair empathy with a limit

Empathy is not surrender. Example: “I hear that you are stressed. I cannot take this on, and I hope you find support.”

4) Repeat, do not escalate

If someone pushes, repeat the boundary in nearly the same words. Repetition is a form of steadiness. It also reveals whether the conversation is respectful or coercive.

5) Decide your consequence in advance

Consequences are not threats. They are what you will do to protect your limit. Example: “If the conversation turns insulting, I will hang up, and we can try again tomorrow.” Then follow through calmly.

Scripts for common guilt trips

Guilt trips often follow predictable patterns. Preparing a few responses helps you stay grounded.

When someone says, “If you loved me, you would”

• “I do love you. Love does not mean I can do that.”
• “I am not measuring love by compliance.”

When someone says, “You are so selfish”

• “You can feel that way. My decision is the same.”
• “I am choosing what I can sustain.”

When someone says, “After all I have done for you”

• “I appreciate what you have done. I am still not available for this.”
• “I will not trade favors for control.”

When someone says, “You are hurting me” because you set a limit

• “I hear that this is painful. I am not trying to hurt you, and I am keeping my boundary.”
• “I can care about your feelings without undoing my limit.”

These responses can feel impossible at first if you were trained to soothe quickly. Start with one phrase and practice it until it becomes yours.

Discernment in relationships: who benefits from your guilt

One of the clearest ways to spot false guilt is to ask, “Who benefits if I believe this feeling?” If your guilt primarily benefits someone else’s access to your time, money, emotional labor, or compliance, pay attention.

Healthy relationships allow room for two truths at once: “I am disappointed” and “You can still say no.” Unhealthy dynamics treat disappointment as a lever.

A note about empathy, compassion, and responsibility

Some people fear that releasing false guilt will make them cold. The opposite is often true. When you stop running on fear, you can respond with genuine compassion. You can help when you choose to, not when you are coerced.

Boundaries protect empathy from becoming self-abandonment.

When it gets complicated, trauma, anxiety, and OCD

Sometimes guilt is not just a learned habit. It can be tied to mental health patterns.

Trauma and the fawn response

If you learned that conflict led to danger, your nervous system may interpret displeasing someone as unsafe. False guilt then comes with panic. In this case, boundary work should include nervous system regulation, such as slow breathing, grounding exercises, movement, and gradual exposure to mild conflict.

Anxiety and catastrophic thinking

Anxiety can inflate consequences. You set a boundary and your mind says, “They will hate me forever,” or “I will end up alone.” Treat these as thoughts, not prophecies. Reality testing and small experiments can help.

OCD and moral scrupulosity

Some people experience obsessive guilt about being “bad,” offending someone, or not being perfectly pure or honest. If guilt is relentless, intrusive, and disconnected from real-world harm, professional support can be important. Evidence-based therapy for OCD can help you stop performing reassurance rituals that keep the guilt loop alive.

Religious and cultural layers, reclaiming conscience without control

In some communities, guilt is used as a primary motivator for behavior. Sometimes this produces good outcomes. Often it produces secrecy, double lives, or chronic self-condemnation. If you were taught that suffering equals virtue, you might confuse self-sacrifice with goodness. You might also confuse obedience to authority with morality. If you are a Christian, you know that our long-suffering is a fruit of the Holy Spirit and produces patience and hope. Obedience to the Lord is better than sacrifice, and being obedient unto Jesus, our Lord, Savior, and Authority, produces joy because we are walking in His will when we abide by His Word. But for one to use our relationship with Christ as a weapon to condemn us is evil. 

Consider separating these questions:

• What do I genuinely believe is right, and why?
• What was I told is right, and what happened if I questioned it?
• What kind of person do I want to be when no one is watching?

True conviction can coexist with faith and tradition. False guilt often depends on fear and silence. If your spirituality matters to you, you can pursue a conscience that is tender, courageous, and grounded, not coerced.

The boundary paradox, people may react worse when you get healthier

Maya, the woman from the opening story, eventually texted her mom back with a calm response. She apologized for not returning the call sooner and offered two times she could talk that day. Her mom replied, “Wow, must be nice to be too busy for your own mother.” The old Maya would have folded immediately. The new Maya felt the familiar sting of guilt, then recognized it as the old alarm system.

Here is the paradox. When you stop over functioning, others may feel the loss of your constant availability. People who benefited from your lack of boundaries may label your health as selfishness. This does not mean you are doing something wrong. It means the system is adjusting.

How to handle backlash without returning to false guilt

• Expect discomfort: Plan for the guilt wave, it will likely come.
• Stay on the topic: Do not get pulled into character attacks.
• Use time: “I am going to step away and we can talk later.”
• Choose support: Debrief with someone safe, not with the person pressuring you.
• Measure outcomes over time: Healthy boundaries produce more stability, even if the short term is rocky.

Healing practices you can do this week

Discernment is built through repetition. Try a few of these practices, and keep what works.

Practice 1, the guilt journal

Each time guilt spikes, write:

• Situation, what happened.
• Story, what I am telling myself it means.
• Value check, did I violate my values.
• Proportionate response, what action fits reality.

Over time, you will see which guilt is useful and which guilt is inherited.

Practice 2, two column responsibility

Draw two columns. Label them “Mine” and “Not mine.” List what is truly yours, your words, your choices, your agreements. Then list what is not yours, their reactions, their moods, their refusal to seek help, their disappointment. This visual can be powerful when guilt blurs the lines.

Practice 3, self compassion that does not excuse

If it is true conviction, try saying, “I did not act how I want to act. I can face this. I can repair. I am still worthy of respect.” This keeps accountability intact while removing shame as the driver.

Practice 4, boundary rehearsal

Write one boundary you need and practice saying it out loud five times. Keep it short. Notice the body sensations. Let them be there. This is exposure therapy for false guilt.

Practice 5, values clarification

Choose five values you want to live by. Examples include honesty, kindness, courage, creativity, family, stewardship, justice, humility, health, loyalty. Then define them in your own words. When guilt appears, compare your actions to your definitions, not to someone else’s emotional demands.

How to apologize when you are not actually wrong

Many people with false guilt apologize to keep peace. But there is a more honest option: you can acknowledge feelings without taking blame.

Try these phrases:

• “I am sorry this is stressful. I cannot do what you are asking.”
• “I hear that you are disappointed. I understand, and my decision stands.”
• “I am not sorry for my boundary, and I am open to talking about your feelings.”

This can feel bold. It is not cruelty. It is clarity.

When you are actually wrong, how to apologize well

True conviction calls for a real apology, not a performance. A good apology is simple, specific, and patient.

• “I am sorry I said that. It was disrespectful.”
• “You did not deserve that.”
• “I am working on handling stress without taking it out on you.”
• “I understand if you need time.”

Notice what is missing: excuses, “but,” and demands for immediate forgiveness.

Discernment in family systems, roles that create false guilt

In many families, guilt is attached to roles. If you were “the responsible one,” you may feel guilty whenever you are not rescuing. If you were “the peacekeeper,” you may feel guilty whenever there is conflict. If you were “the achiever,” you may feel guilty when you rest.

Ask yourself, “What role did I play, and what did that role cost me?” False guilt often appears when you try to step out of the role. That is not regression. That is growth.

Red flags, when guilt is being used as a control tactic

Not every upset person is manipulative. But patterns matter. Be cautious when you see repeated behaviors like:

• They dismiss your needs as selfish by default.
• They punish boundaries with silent treatment, rage, or smear campaigns.
• They demand access to you, not connection with you.
• They rewrite history so you are always at fault.
• They only treat you well when you comply.

If you notice these patterns, boundaries may need to be firmer, and sometimes distance is the healthiest option.

How to know if you need professional help

Self-work can go far, but some guilt is deeply wired. Consider seeking therapy or support if:

• Guilt regularly leads to panic, shutdown, or self-harm thoughts.
• You cannot identify what you did wrong, yet you feel constant moral danger.
• You are in an emotionally abusive relationship and guilt keeps you stuck.
• Trauma memories, flashbacks, or severe people-pleasing patterns dominate your life.
• You suspect OCD, especially moral scrupulosity or reassurance-seeking loops.

Getting help is not an admission of weakness. It is an act of responsibility to your future self.

Returning to Maya, what changed

Maya replied to her mom with a steady message, “I can talk at 12:30 or 6:00. I fell asleep early last night.” Her mom pushed again. Maya did not argue. She repeated her available times. When her mom kept escalating, Maya ended the exchange kindly, “I am going to step away. I will call at 6:00 if you would like to talk.”

At 6:00, Maya called. Her mom was still prickly at first, then settled. The conversation was not magical. But Maya noticed something quiet and powerful: she did not abandon herself to manage someone else’s mood. She felt guilt, and she did not obey it. She also took responsibility for what was real; she had not returned a call. She apologized once, sincerely, and moved on.

This is the Doing Different version of healing. Not perfect relationships. Not zero discomfort. Just a growing ability to stay aligned with your values while letting other adults have their feelings.

A final integration, a simple decision tree

When guilt shows up, try this quick sequence:

• Step 1: What happened, stated plainly.
• Step 2: Did I violate my values or cause meaningful harm?
• If yes: True conviction. Repair, apologize, learn, adjust.
• If no: Likely false guilt. Set or hold a boundary. Offer empathy if you choose. Do not overcompensate.
• Step 3: Regulate your body. Breathe, ground, walk, text a safe friend.

Over time, you will trust yourself more. You will stop outsourcing your conscience to the most disappointed person in the room.

Closing reflection

False guilt says, “Your needs are dangerous.” True conviction says, “Your values matter.” One shrinks you. The other strengthens you. Discernment is the skill of telling the difference, and then acting accordingly.

If you have lived for years bracing for impact, this work can feel like learning a new language. Start small. Let guilt be information, not a command. Repair what is yours. Release what is not. Set boundaries that honor your health. When you do, you make room for relationships built on respect, not obligation. That is how you begin doing different, one honest choice at a time.

https://youtu.be/f_-exGeCN5U?si=2ilNNIp6S9-54pfB

Hey Friends, today's conversation is all about living with purpose, courage, and a whole lot of heart!  My guest, Cynthia Dugger a national make-up artist for Ms. Senior America, a mentor for women stepping into new seasons and proving that life after 60 is not a slowdown, it's a rebirth!  After walking through divorce after 36 years, she rebuilt her life and is here to remind YOU that YOUR story is STILL being written. We are talking about reinvention, confidence, taking chances, and becoming who you were meant to be, even when it feels scary.  

AND....she is giving away a makeup bundle filled with her favorite products, including some bling jewelry.  

GIVEAWAY:  Be the first to like, share, and comment on what encouraged you most from this episode, and you will get this awesome bundle!  Send me an email (below) with your address, and I will forward it to Cynthia so she can send it your way. Don't forget to post, and tag me and Cynthia on FB or IG.  

Kim's Email:  Btelskcmb.kb@gmail.com 

Cynthia's IG: sassyglama 

FB: Cynthia Willhite Dugger TicToc: confidencebycynthia 

YouTube: Clutch and Pearls 

airbnb.com  https://www.airbnb.com/rooms/17074002... 

www.doing-different.com 

IG: doingdifferentwithkimmie60 

FB: Kim Cyr Baker 

FB groups:  Doing Different with Kimmie:     / 1ff6d2cnu8     

Authors and Voices That Inspire:   / 1ctmsmqyly        

The Empty Nester; Parenting Adult Children with Grace          / 1hjgwqye9q    

Check me out on Blogger, Pinterest, X, iHeart Radio, Amazon Music, Substack, Blue Sky, MIX, Player FM, Podcast Addict, Blog Spot. 

 Doing Different with Kimmie doing-different.com (⁠https://www.youtube.com/redirect?even...)   

 Instagram: doingdifferentwithkimmie60  

Fundraiser:  bonfire.com/doing-different160/?utm_source=copy_link&utm_medium=post_campaign_launch&utm_campaign=doing-different160&utm_content=default (⁠https://www.youtube.com/redirect?even...)  

 Pinterest pin.it/53Xn5CdFe (⁠https://www.youtube.com/redirect?even...) 

  Amish Country Soap amishcountrysoapco.com/kimbaker (⁠https://www.youtube.com/redirect?even...)

https://youtu.be/Bfyrbk__Uqo?si=wkDj4cPhR58mwul7

Joyce Kelly is a woman whose life reflects resilience in motion. After losing her husband to a long and courageous battle with cancer, she found herself standing in the wreckage of deep grief — and choosing, day by day, to build what she calls a life that won’t quit.  In the years since, Joyce has rebuilt her footing with honesty, grit, and a steady hope that has moved thousands. Her journey has inspired a series of events that led Matthew West and Leanna Crawford to write a song based on her and her husband’s story — a reminder that every one of us needs to stand on truth when life’s storms hit.  Today, Joyce walks alongside women who are navigating their own hard seasons, helping them anchor themselves to what’strue, even when the ground feels shaky. What people remember most about herisn’t just her story — it’s her steadiness, her transparency, and her rare ability to hold both pain and hope at the same time.  Joyce's ministries include:   Resilient Hope – Building A Life That Won’t Quit; Joyce helps other women build a life that won’t quit and stand on that truth.    Iamfreedomgirl : Bringing the love and hope of Jesus to strip clubs in Tampa, Florida  Kelly is in the process of becoming a certified trauma-informed coach and has a book she has co-written with her team, Iamfreedomgirl called : You are Seen, You are Loved, You are Cherished.   To win a free copy of the book, be the first to like and share this episode and comment on what touched you the most that Joyce shared. Then send me an email with your address, and Joyce will send you the book.   IG: Joyceannkelly_  FB: Joyce Kelly  Web: Joycekelly.net  #truthtostandon  Kims email: Btelskcmb.kb@gmail.com (mailto:Btelskcmb.kb@gmail.com)   FB Groups: Doing Different with Kimmie       Authors and Voices That Inspire  FB Page: Kim’s Shared Shelf  YouTube:    / @doingdifferentwithkimmie    Links   Doing Different with Kimmie doing-different.com (https://www.youtube.com/redirect?even...)    Instagram: doingdifferentwithkimmie60  Fundraiser:  bonfire.com/doing-different160/?utm_source=copy_link&utm_medium=post_campaign_launch&utm_campaign=doing-different160&utm_content=default (https://www.youtube.com/redirect?even...)   Pinterest pin.it/53Xn5CdFe (https://www.youtube.com/redirect?even...)   Amish Country Soap amishcountrysoapco.com/kimbaker (https://www.youtube.com/redirect?even...)

https://youtu.be/TbK7aS7bg9I?si=lUE1MGbeGkQfOONq

https://youtu.be/TbK7aS7bg9I?si=bKZaj4gQDt4CW3Xv

Example Text

https://youtu.be/rtnx5z2RT9I

https://youtu.be/82S_KnBBDF4?si=guW4Jv-U36BCZNQ0

Dr. Debby Sharpe Smith thought she was prepared for the empty nest, but when it arrived, it brought emotions she didn't expect.  Through honest conversations, deep spiritual formation work, and leading groups of empty-nest women each year, she discovered she wasn't alone. Her journey led her to write OPEN NEST, a Bible study designed to help women explore identity, faith, and community in midlife.  Her heart is to remind women that their identity is rooted in Christ, NOT in roles that shift with seasons. Debby is Texas-born, but a traveler at heart, having lived in New Jersey, London, Mombasa, and Keiv.  On the theory that everyone has a superpower, hers might be making order out of chaos. She will pick beaches over mountains, tulips over daisies, musicals over concerts, dark over milk (chocolate), Tex-Mex over Thai, sunsets over sunrises, and walking with a friend over any other form of exercise.   Debby has three adult children and one daughter-in-law and lives in Dallas, TX, with her husband.  You can contact her at www.open-nest.com. Debby's book can be purchased through Amazon. Book Giveaway: Be the first one to like and share this episode, comment on what touched you about it, and subscribe to my podcast.   Then send me your address, and I will mail the book out to you. 

My Email:    btelskcmb.kb@gmail.com  

My Website: www.doing-different.com

FB Groups:  Doing Different with Kimmie                     

Voices That Inspire: Authors & Podcasters Who Encourage & Transform Lives                     

The Empty Nester: Parenting Adult Children With Grace   

 Tea News for Tea Lovers                     

 My Moringa                     

 Daughter's of the King                     

 Kim's Herbal Garden      

 A Different Kitchen with Kimmie FB PAGES: 

Kimmie's Shared Shelf

Kim's Herbal Garden Teas and Home Remedies

 Kim's Creations and Crafts

 IG:    Doing Different with Kimmie 60

Ask

Don't forget to subscribe to Julie's newsletter of you enjoy this latest one. 

https://momremadefamily.momremade.com/emails/webview/517638/188523170858272303

Examphttps://www.facebook.com/reel/2046940339365184le Text

The first time Mara heard the knock, it sounded ordinary, like a neighbor asking to borrow a ladder. She was standing in her kitchen, one hand in soapy water, the other wiping a plate that still smelled faintly of garlic. The dog did not bark, which was unusual. The knock came again, firm and patient. She dried her hands on a towel without thinking, walked to the front door, and opened it to two officers. In the second before they spoke, she noticed small things. The curve of a pen clipped to a pocket, the dull shine of a badge, the way their shoulders were squared as if bracing against weather.

She would later remember that she did not feel afraid right away. She felt irritated that she was barefoot, embarrassed about the wet dish towel in her hand. Shock does that sometimes, it offers you trivia when your body cannot handle the truth. “Are you Mara Jensen?” one asked, her name sounding too formal in her own entryway. She nodded. “We’re sorry,” he said, and something in his tone made the word sorry land like a physical object. Heavy. Unavoidable.

There was a pause where she waited for a dog bite report, a missing wallet, a bureaucratic mistake. Then the sentence came, her mother’s voice in her head as if the officers were speaking from far away. “Your brother, Daniel, was found this morning. It appears he died by suicide.”

Mara’s brain snagged on the phrase appears, as if the officers were describing a minor fender bender. Her body did not snag. Her body went cold. She remembers looking down and noticing a small spot of soap bubble clinging to her wrist, perfectly round. She remembers thinking that she should wipe it off and then realizing she had no idea what she was supposed to do next. Invite them in. Call her mother. Scream. Collapse. Ask for details. Ask them to say it again in different words, because these words did not fit inside her world.

She did not know then that she was already carrying another grief, pressed thin and sharp like a folded piece of paper in her pocket. She had been separated for eight months, slowly learning how to divide the life she once called ours into something that could fit on a calendar with alternating weekends. She had practiced explaining the divorce to friends with a calm voice. She had learned how to sign her own name without her wedding ring. She had been trying to tell herself that the end of a marriage was not a failure, just a change.

That morning, the change became something else entirely. It became a layering. Divorce grief underneath. Fresh suicide grief on top. Family shock, guilt, anger, love, confusion, all at once. The kind of grief that does not replace what came before it, it stacks on it. It multiplies the weight.

When grief has layers, it is not one wound healing over time. It is a series of injuries, some reopened by the next loss, some hidden because there is only so much you can feel in a day. It is also, quietly and stubbornly, proof of endurance. If you are reading this with a lump in your throat, if you are carrying the ache of divorce and the devastation of suicide in the same body, you are not alone. This is the work of Doing Different, not doing it perfectly, but doing it bravely, in the only direction that makes sense now. Forward.

What layered grief really feels like

People often imagine grief as a single arc. Something happens. You cry. You heal. You move on. Layered grief does not behave like that. It is more like weather systems that collide. One day you are sad about the marriage that ended, and the next day you are on the floor because a song reminds you of a sibling you will never text again. Sometimes both are happening at the same time, and your mind cannot figure out which pain deserves the tears.

With divorce, there is usually a living person attached to the loss, and that complicates everything. There can be contact, co parenting, shared friends, legal paperwork, and the constant reminder that the life you planned still exists for someone else, just not with you. Grief shows up as longing, regret, anger, relief, shame, hope, and the persistent question, “What did I do wrong?”

With suicide loss, grief often arrives with a different intensity. Many survivors describe it as grief plus trauma, because the death carries a sense of suddenness, unanswered questions, and sometimes disturbing details. It can come with intrusive images, panic, and a nervous system that feels on alert. It often brings shame, secrecy, and isolation because people do not know what to say and survivors do not know what is safe to share.

Layer them together and you can feel like a person made of contradictions. You might be negotiating your divorce settlement one hour and choosing a casket or an urn the next. You might be trying to act normal at work while your phone lights up with legal emails and family group texts. The mismatch between ordinary life and catastrophic grief can make you feel unreal, like your body is in one room and your mind is in another.

Layered grief also tends to mess with time. Divorce grief can stretch, because the loss is both an event and a process. Suicide grief can feel like a singular explosion. Together, they create a kind of emotional whiplash, a shifting between slow ache and sudden collapse.

The hidden losses inside divorce

Divorce is often treated like a problem to solve. Papers. Custody. Money. Moving trucks. But underneath the logistics are many smaller losses that deserve to be named, because unnamed losses do not disappear, they gather.

• The loss of the future you rehearsed. The imagined vacations, anniversaries, retirement plans, and ordinary Tuesdays you assumed would happen.
• The loss of identity. Not just married versus single, but the social role you played in your family system and friend group.
• The loss of shared history. You still remember, but the person who remembers with you is no longer your teammate.
• The loss of safety. Even if the marriage was hard, it was familiar. Familiar can feel like safety to the nervous system.
• The loss of routines. Coffee mugs, side of the bed, the way the house sounded at night.
• The loss of belonging. In laws, traditions, and the ease of being part of something that felt official.

Divorce grief can be especially confusing when you also feel relief. People sometimes use relief as evidence that they should not be grieving. In reality, relief and grief often coexist. You can be relieved that conflict has ended and still mourn what could have been. Allowing both truths makes you more honest, not less loyal.

The particular pain of family suicide

Suicide loss is often described as grief with extra rooms. You walk through sorrow, and behind it there is anger. Behind anger there is guilt. Behind guilt there is fear. Behind fear there is sometimes relief that their suffering is over, and then shame for feeling that relief. You can spend months, even years, walking those rooms.

If you lost a family member to suicide, you might recognize these common experiences:

• Searching for the moment you missed. Reading old texts, replaying conversations, trying to find the point where you could have changed the outcome.
• Shame and secrecy. Wondering how much to tell others, fearing judgment, and sensing discomfort in people who care but do not understand.
• Anger at the person who died. Anger that they left, anger at the mess they left behind, anger that they did not reach for help in the way you wish they had.
• Fear for the rest of the family. Suicide can make everyone feel suddenly fragile, as if the floor is less stable than it used to be.
• Trauma responses. Trouble sleeping, intrusive thoughts, panic, numbness, and feeling detached from daily life.

Many survivors also get hit with the question people ask without realizing the harm: “Did he leave a note?” When there is a note, it rarely answers what survivors need. When there is not, people treat that absence like a mystery to solve. Either way, the survivor is left holding a story that does not end neatly.

When the two collide, grief competes for space

Mara described the weeks after her brother’s death as “living inside competing emergencies.” Her divorce still required decisions, and now her family needed her. Her mother was falling apart, her father was silent, her ex was impatient about scheduling, her child was confused, and Mara’s own body was barely functioning.

Layered grief often creates a feeling that you cannot be fully present anywhere. If you are at a custody exchange, you are thinking about the funeral. If you are at the funeral, you are thinking about the mortgage. Your heart becomes a crowded room.

Some people respond by shutting down one grief to deal with the other. You might go numb about the divorce because the suicide feels bigger. Or you might obsess over divorce details because the suicide is too painful to touch. Both are protective strategies. They are not failures. They are your psyche trying to keep you alive.

The problem is that grief you set aside does not disappear. It waits. It shows up later as irritability, exhaustion, depression, physical pain, or a sudden breakdown when you least expect it.

The myth of “moving on” and the courage to keep going

In layered grief, the phrase move on can sound like a threat. It can feel like a demand to forget what mattered, to become someone who is not haunted by love. A more truthful goal is learning to carry what happened without letting it crush you.

Courage, in this context, is not dramatic. It is often quiet and repetitive, like washing your hair, answering the email, driving to therapy, feeding your child, taking your medication, showing up for the memorial, signing the paperwork. Courage is the decision to keep going when you do not feel inspired, hopeful, or strong.

Doing Different is not about erasing pain. It is about changing the way you relate to it. Instead of treating grief like a problem to solve, you treat it like a relationship to tend. It requires honesty, boundaries, rest, and support.

How layered grief affects your body and brain

Understanding the physiology can reduce shame. When you are dealing with divorce and suicide loss, your nervous system may be in prolonged stress response. Cortisol and adrenaline fluctuate, sleep suffers, appetite changes, and your immune system can weaken. Concentration and memory often decline. You might read the same paragraph five times and still not know what it said.

Traumatic grief can also create hypervigilance, a constant scanning for danger. You might feel unsafe in silence, unsafe when the phone rings, unsafe when someone does not text back fast enough. After suicide loss, many people become intensely worried about other loved ones, interpreting normal mood changes as warning signs.

Divorce adds its own nervous system strain. The uncertainty of finances, housing, parenting schedules, and social fallout can keep the body braced, especially if the relationship involved conflict, manipulation, or emotional neglect.

If any of this sounds familiar, it does not mean you are broken. It means your body is responding to prolonged threat and profound loss.

The questions that haunt, and how to live with them

Layered grief tends to generate relentless questions. Some are logistical, some are spiritual, some are existential. Many do not have answers you can live on, and that is part of the pain.

• From divorce: Was it my fault, did I try hard enough, how did I miss the signs, will I be alone forever, how will this affect the kids.
• From suicide loss: Why did he do it, could I have stopped it, did he know I loved him, what did he feel in the end, how do I live with this.

One of the hardest skills is learning to let questions exist without letting them run your life. This is not the same as giving up. It is accepting that human beings can only know so much about other people’s inner worlds, and that insisting on certainty can keep you trapped.

A helpful reframe is to shift from “Why did this happen?” to “What is true now, and what do I need today?” You can keep a place in your heart for the unanswered questions, while still making choices that support your survival.

How family systems change after suicide, especially during divorce

Families respond to suicide in patterns that are often intensified by pre existing dynamics. If you were already the responsible one, you may become the organizer. If you were the peacekeeper, you may become the emotional translator. If you were the black sheep, you may become even more isolated. These roles can clash with the new roles created by divorce, such as co parent, ex spouse, or single provider.

Common shifts include:

• Overfunctioning. Taking care of everyone else, planning everything, and collapsing later.
• Silence. Nobody mentions the death, emotions are minimized, and grief goes underground.
• Blame. Family members look for a person or event to blame because randomness is too frightening.
• Comparison. “You were closer to him than I was,” “You didn’t visit enough,” “You should be over it by now.”
• Splitting. Family members form alliances, and conflict increases, especially around funeral decisions and inheritance.

If you are navigating divorce at the same time, you might also feel pressure to perform stability, especially if you are afraid your grief will be used against you in custody disputes. This is a heavy and unfair burden. If that is your situation, document your care, seek legal advice, and build a support network that can attest to your stability and your child’s well being.

Permission to grieve in more than one direction

Layered grief often comes with guilt about grieving the “smaller” loss. You might think, my marriage ended but at least he is alive, I have no right to be sad about that when my brother is dead. Or you might think, my family is shattered, I have no energy to care about the divorce.

You can grieve both. Your heart has more than one compartment, even if it feels like it does not. Grief is not a competition. It is a response to love, attachment, expectation, and identity. Divorce is a death of a life. Suicide is a death of a person. Both matter.

Practical ways to survive the first year of layered grief

Grief advice can become too abstract, especially when your life requires real decisions. The following approaches are practical, flexible, and grounded in how people actually survive.

1) Choose a “minimum viable day”

On the hardest days, lower the bar on purpose. Decide what counts as enough for today. Enough might be: shower, eat something with protein, take the kids to school, pay one bill, step outside for five minutes, and go to bed.

This is not avoidance. It is pacing. Layered grief is a marathon with surprise hills. Pacing keeps you alive.

2) Create two lists, urgent and important

Divorce creates urgent tasks. Suicide loss creates important emotional work. When your mind is foggy, lists help reduce panic.

• Urgent: court deadlines, legal documents, immediate family needs, childcare schedules, funeral logistics.
• Important: eating, sleeping, grief support, therapy, movement, time with safe friends, quiet processing.

Try to do one urgent thing and one important thing each day. That balance prevents your life from becoming only paperwork or only emotion.

3) Build a “support triangle”

One person cannot hold all of this. Aim for at least three different support points:

• Emotional support: a friend who can listen without fixing.
• Professional support: therapist, grief counselor, psychiatrist if needed.
• Practical support: someone who can do school pickup, bring food, help with papers, or sit with you during hard appointments.

If you do not have these people, consider a support group for suicide loss survivors, a divorce support group, or a faith community that is trauma informed. Online groups can help, but choose spaces that are moderated and respectful.

4) Stop explaining yourself to unsafe people

Layered grief attracts commentary. Some people will judge the divorce. Some will minimize the suicide. Some will offer simplistic advice. Protect your energy.

You can use simple scripts:

• “I’m not able to talk about details, but I appreciate your care.”
• “I’m taking things one day at a time.”
• “That’s not helpful for me right now.”

Boundaries are not cruelty. They are survival tools.

5) Expect triggers, plan for them

Triggers are not setbacks, they are signals. Anniversaries, court dates, birthdays, holidays, the sound of an ambulance, a particular street, a voicemail notification, all can activate grief.

Plan gentle buffers around known triggers. Take the day off if you can. Schedule therapy. Ask a friend to check in. Have comforting food available. Reduce extra obligations.

6) Use “tiny rituals” to honor both losses

Rituals give grief a container. They also help when your life feels shattered.

• Light a candle for your loved one each week.
• Write a short letter to your former self, the one who believed the marriage would last.
• Walk the same route on hard mornings, letting your body learn a reliable path.
• Keep a small object that reminds you of your sibling, and touch it when you need grounding.

These are not about being dramatic. They are about creating moments where grief is allowed to exist without taking over the whole day.

7) Sleep and food are not optional, even when you cannot taste anything

It is common to lose appetite and sleep. But your brain cannot process trauma without rest and nourishment. If you cannot eat meals, aim for small, repeatable options: yogurt, soup, smoothies, eggs, toast with peanut butter. If sleep is disrupted, talk to a doctor. Short term support can be appropriate. Avoid self medicating with alcohol, which often worsens grief and sleep.

8) Make room for anger without letting it drive

You may feel anger at your ex, at legal systems, at your family, at your loved one who died, at yourself, at the universe. Anger often contains information about values and boundaries. It might be telling you, I deserved better, I needed support, this was unfair, I am scared.

Healthy containers for anger include:

• Journaling without censoring.
• Physical movement like brisk walking, lifting weights, or boxing classes.
• Therapy that allows trauma processing.
• Creative work, music, art, building something with your hands.

Anger becomes dangerous when it turns into self harm, substance misuse, or harm toward others. If you are feeling pulled toward those edges, reach out for professional help immediately.

Talking to children about divorce and suicide, with honesty and care

If you have children, layered grief can feel like parenting in a storm. You want to protect them, but you also want to be truthful. Children sense tension. They notice absence. They deserve age appropriate clarity.

General principles that help:

• Keep explanations simple. “Mom and Dad are not going to be married anymore, but we both love you and will take care of you.”
• Avoid blaming the other parent. Blame creates loyalty conflicts and anxiety.
• For suicide, use clear language. “Uncle Daniel died because his brain was very sick, and he could not see a way to stay alive.” Avoid euphemisms like “went to sleep” which can create fear of sleep.
• Invite questions. Answer what they ask, not what you fear.
• Reassure safety. Explain that many people are helping, doctors, family, adults, and that they are cared for.
• Watch for behavioral grief. Regression, irritability, stomach aches, clinginess, and school issues can be grief signals.

If you are uncertain, child therapists and school counselors can help you find language that fits your family. The goal is not perfect wording. The goal is a home where feelings can be spoken.

When you feel responsible, and what responsibility really means

Divorce often triggers self blame. Suicide loss often triggers retroactive responsibility. Combine them and you might feel like everything that goes wrong is your fault. This is a common grief distortion. The mind tries to regain control by imagining you could have controlled the outcome.

Responsibility is not the same as influence. You may have had influence in your marriage, you may have influence in a loved one’s life. But you were not the only factor. In suicide, it is especially important to understand that suicidal crises are complex, involving mental health, biology, stress, access to means, and perception of belonging and burdensomeness. Love helps, but love alone is not always enough to stop suicidal thinking. That truth is heartbreaking, and it can also be freeing from impossible guilt.

A grounding statement many survivors use is: “I did not cause this, I could not control it, and I cannot change it. I can only respond to what is here now.”

What healing can look like, without betraying the past

Some people fear that if they laugh again, it means they did not love enough. Others fear that if they build a new life after divorce, they are erasing the years that mattered. Healing is not betrayal. Healing is integration.

Integration means the loss becomes part of your story, not the whole story. It means you can carry your brother in your heart without living exclusively in the day he died. It means you can acknowledge the marriage that ended while still building relationships, friendships, routines, and a home that feels safe.

As Mara put it later, “I stopped trying to get back to who I was. I started trying to become who I am now.” That shift is the heart of Doing Different.

Rebuilding identity after two kinds of rupture

Divorce can dissolve a sense of shared identity. Suicide loss can dissolve your sense of the world’s predictability. Together, they can leave you asking: Who am I if my family story changed, and my marriage story changed, and I cannot fix either?

Identity rebuilding does not happen in one epiphany. It happens through small commitments:

• Values. Choose a few values to anchor you, like honesty, kindness, stability, creativity, faith, service.
• Boundaries. Decide what you will not tolerate anymore, in relationships, in family dynamics, in your own self talk.
• Community. Find people who can hold complexity, not just positivity.
• Body care. Move, rest, and feed your body, not as a glow up project, but as a statement of worth.
• Meaning. Meaning does not have to be a grand purpose. It can be as small as, “I will show up for my child,” or “I will tell the truth about mental health.”

Spiritual and existential grief, when the old answers fail

Many people experience a spiritual crisis after suicide, and many also experience it after divorce. Some feel abandoned by God. Some feel angry at religious communities. Some feel numb toward practices that once helped. Others find new depth, a tougher faith that can hold suffering without pretending to explain it.

If you are in this space, it can help to give yourself permission to question without rushing to replace answers. You can explore gentle practices like silent prayer, meditation, reading, attending a supportive community, or simply sitting outside and letting the natural world remind you that life and death coexist.

What matters is not forced certainty. What matters is honest connection, with yourself, with others, with whatever you consider sacred.

Warning signs that you need extra support

Layered grief can become dangerous when it tips into prolonged despair or trauma symptoms that do not ease over time. Seek professional help if you notice:

• Persistent inability to function at work or home for weeks.
• Using alcohol or drugs to numb most days.
• Frequent panic attacks, severe insomnia, or intrusive images that feel unmanageable.
• Suicidal thoughts, or feeling that others would be better off without you.
• Self harm behaviors.

If you are in immediate danger or feel you might harm yourself, contact local emergency services right now. If you are in the United States, you can call or text 988 for the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. If you are outside the US, contact your local crisis line or emergency number. You deserve support, and reaching for it is an act of courage.

How to support someone living with layered grief

If you are reading this because you love someone who is surviving divorce and suicide loss, your presence matters more than your words. Many people disappear because they are afraid of saying the wrong thing. Staying is better than perfect language.

Helpful support looks like:

• Specific offers. “I can bring dinner Tuesday or Thursday,” “I can sit with you during the appointment,” “I can take the kids for two hours.”
• Consistency. Check in after the funeral, after the court date, after the first holiday.
• Non judgment. Avoid blaming, theologizing, or trying to make sense of the suicide for them.
• Permission for complexity. Allow them to miss their ex and be angry, to love the person who died and be furious with them.

Things to avoid:

• “Everything happens for a reason.”
• “At least you’re young, you can remarry.”
• “He’s in a better place,” said too quickly, especially if the person is angry or unsure.
• Graphic questions about the death.

Choosing the next right thing, one layer at a time

Months after Daniel’s death, Mara sat in her car in a grocery store parking lot, unable to go inside. She had a list, but her hands shook. She thought about her divorce hearing coming up. She thought about her mother calling every evening just to breathe on the phone. She thought about her child’s school project, a family tree, and the way that assignment suddenly felt cruel.

She did not do anything profound. She called a friend and told the truth. “I’m stuck,” she said. “I’m in the parking lot and I can’t go in.” Her friend did not give a lecture. She said, “Stay on the phone with me. We’ll do it together.” Mara walked into the store with the phone pressed to her ear, buying fruit and cereal and something that resembled dinner. That night, she fed her child. She filled out one form. She went to bed early. It was not inspiring. It was brave.

Layered grief is survived through the next right thing, chosen again and again. It will not always feel like progress. Sometimes it will feel like merely not collapsing. But there is a difference between collapse and rest. Rest is allowed. Rest is wise. The courage to keep going includes the courage to pause.

What “Doing Different” can mean after divorce and suicide loss

Doing Different is not about becoming unbreakable. It is about choosing new patterns where old ones failed you. After layered grief, Doing Different might look like:

• Speaking the truth. Naming suicide without whispering, naming divorce without shame.
• Asking for help sooner. Not waiting until you are in crisis to reach out.
• Building a life with buffers. Fewer obligations, more recovery time, more gentle routines.
• Letting go of performance. Dropping the need to appear fine for everyone else.
• Choosing relationships that are emotionally safe. Friends and partners who can hold grief without trying to manage it.
• Turning pain into care. Supporting mental health awareness, checking on others, or simply being the person who stays when someone else is hurting.

Doing Different can also mean forgiving yourself for what you did not know, for the ways you coped, for the ways you survived. It can mean learning to live without clear closure, which is one of the hardest human tasks.

A note about anniversaries, milestones, and the second wave

Many people are surprised by how grief changes over time. The first few weeks can be a blur, carried by adrenaline and logistics. Later, when attention shifts away from you, grief can surge. Divorce milestones like the finalization date, the first holiday in separate homes, the first time your ex dates someone new, can ignite pain. Suicide milestones like the one month mark, the birthday, the day they died, can hit with sudden force.

Plan for these waves. Give yourself permission to feel them. If you can, mark them intentionally. Take the day off. Visit a meaningful place. Attend a support group. Do something kind for yourself. Grief does not require you to suffer alone.

Hope that is honest

Hope after layered grief is not the bright kind that insists everything will work out. It is the steady kind that says, I can endure today. I can build a life that includes what I lost. I can find moments of peace again. I can be changed and still be whole.

There may come a day when you notice you went an hour without thinking about the divorce, or the death, and instead you noticed the way sunlight fell on the floor. You might feel guilty for that hour. Let it be evidence that your nervous system is healing. Let it be a small return of life.

Closing, and an invitation

If grief has layers in your life, divorce, family suicide, and everything in between, you do not have to compress your story into something easy for others to digest. You can be heartbroken and capable. You can be exhausted and still courageous. You can be angry and still loving. You can be uncertain and still moving forward.

On Doing Different, we believe that survival is not a personality trait, it is a practice. You practice telling the truth. You practice asking for help. You practice eating something. You practice stepping outside. You practice setting boundaries. You practice honoring the people you loved and the life you are still living.

Mara keeps a photo of her brother in a small frame on a bookshelf, beside a new calendar that only has her name at the top. Some days she touches the frame and cries. Some days she does not. She has stopped trying to make her grief linear. She has stopped requiring herself to be okay in order to be worthy of love.

The courage to keep going is not a finish line. It is the next breath, the next step, the next honest moment. If that is all you can do today, it is enough.

Doing Different with Kele Pandolfe Sheppard Ep. 32

https://youtu.be/OBPzIUsL6fE?si=4s9EBqnVdt6Vj1Dn

Doing Different with Julie Plagens Ep. 31

https://youtu.be/hwskPXWMzVY?si=abtgJ7AOtJa-hfcL

Today's guest is sharing her own journey of doing different and explains how God reshaped the way she shows up in relationships, and how that transformation has become a ministry to others.  Her story touches on estrangement from her parents at age 40, forgiveness, emotional  Julie Plagens is a wife, mother, daughter, double-certified teacher, author, illustrator, content creator, and seminary student at Dallas Theological Seminary.  She is the author of three books: Estranged/Marriage Interrupted/Crating Family Memories. Her book "Estranged" is recommended by Focus on the Family's Counseling Department and Family Life Today, among many others, as a trusted resource for families in crisis.  She has been featured on more than 22 podcasts and speaks to MomCo groups and women's conferences.  She has written for "Her View From Home" Christian Parenting.org, and is listed in "Feed Spot's" top Christian Mom Blogs from 2021-2026.  She has also been featured in "Women's World Magazine."Married for 32 years, Julie and her husband are passionate about encouraging forgiveness, reconciliation, and boundaries in marriage.  Julie's Website: www.momremade.com Books can be purchased at: Focusonthefamily.com Amazon Julie's FB Group: Christian Family Living

When the last child leaves home, it often marks the beginning of a new chapter for many parents. This stage of life, commonly referred to as the "empty nest," can evoke a mix of emotions, from sadness and loss to excitement and anticipation for what lies ahead. Reinventing yourself during this transition can be both a challenge and an opportunity to explore new interests, redefine your identity, and expand your horizons. Here is a step-by-step guide to navigating life after the empty nest, helping you embrace this new phase with confidence and joy.

Step 1: Acknowledge and Process Your Feelings

The first step in this journey is to give yourself permission to feel whatever comes up. It’s normal to experience a range of emotions when your children move out. Some parents feel profound sadness and loss, while others might feel relief and excitement, or a mix of both. It’s important to acknowledge these feelings and allow yourself time to adjust to the new dynamics at home.

Engage in activities that promote reflection and healing, such as journaling, meditation, or speaking with a therapist or support group. Recognizing and affirming your feelings is an essential part of moving forward.

Step 2: Redefine Your Relationships

With your children no longer living at home, your relationship with them is bound to change. It’s an ideal time to shift from the day-to-day parenting role to more of a supportive advisor. This transition can also impact your relationship with your spouse or partner, as you'll have more time to spend together. Use this as an opportunity to redefine these relationships.

Schedule regular check-ins with your children, whether through phone calls, texts, or video chats, to stay connected and support their independence. Simultaneously, invest time in your romantic relationship to rediscover each other in this new phase of life.

Step 3: Discover New or Rekindled Interests

An empty nest opens up time that was previously filled with child-related activities. Dive into old hobbies that you might have set aside or explore new interests. Whether it’s art, sports, music, writing, or something else, engaging in hobbies can provide meaningful joy and fulfillment.

Consider enrolling in classes or workshops that interest you. Community colleges and local centers often offer a range of programs that can expand your skills and allow you to meet new people with similar interests.

Step 4: Expand Your Social Circle

With change comes the opportunity to expand your social network. You may find that many of your current friendships were built around your children's activities. Now is a great time to meet new people or connect with old friends who share your current interests and lifestyle.

Join clubs, groups, or online communities that align with your interests. Social interaction can significantly boost your mood and outlook on life.

Step 5: Focus on Personal Growth

This can also be a time of significant personal growth. With more free time, think about what you’ve always wanted to learn or accomplish. Have you considered going back to school, starting a new career, or launching a business? Now might be the perfect time to focus on these goals.

Take courses, attend seminars, and read widely. These activities not only expand your knowledge but also build confidence and open up new opportunities.

Step 6: Travel and Explore

If you’ve longed to travel, the empty nest phase can be an ideal time. With fewer day-to-day responsibilities at home, you can take longer trips and explore new destinations, or make frequent, shorter getaways to places you’ve always wanted to visit.

Travel is a great way to experience new cultures, cuisines, and environments, and can also be an excellent activity to share with your spouse, friends, or even on your own.

Step 7: Volunteer Work

If you find that you have a desire to give back, volunteering is a rewarding way to fill your time and make a significant impact in your community. Look for causes that are meaningful to you, whether it’s working with children, animals, the environment, or within your local community.

Volunteering not only helps others but also enriches your own life, often providing a sense of purpose and community.

Step 8: Physical and Mental Health

Maintaining your physical and mental health is crucial during this transition. Regular physical activity, a balanced diet, and sufficient sleep are fundamental habits that can greatly influence your overall well-being.

Consider joining a gym, taking up yoga or pilates, or simply incorporating regular walks into your daily routine. Staying active is not only beneficial for your body but also for your mind, helping to manage stress and enhance your mood.

Step 9: Plan Your Financial Future

With your children out of the house, it might be a good time to review your financial situation. Work with a financial advisor to discuss your current finances, update your budget, and plan for the future, including retirement.

Investing in your financial health is as significant as investing in your physical and emotional well-being and will support your ambitions and lifestyle in this new chapter of your life.

Wrapping It Up

Embarking on your post-empty nest life can be an exhilarating and revitalizing experience. Each step you take to redefine your identity, build connections, and pursue new passions can lead to profound fulfillment and joy. Embrace this time as an opportunity to grow and enjoy the freedom and possibilities that come with it.